Spammers Unite Episode 2: Charm Nebula
by GreatOverseer
Summary: Overseer 2 and the team are captured by a fierce, warlike gang of Deleters in the middle of a dangerous electric nebula. Now they must escape with their lives!
1. Chapter 1

_The Universe, as we all know and despise for this fact, is not a good and happy place. Rather it is as if some inexperienced deity turned up one morning at an arts and crafts show, said "Oh, I'll do the macaroni statue," and subsequently created something the size of Michelangelo's "David" out of small tubes of pasta. The point the narrator is trying to get at is that bits of the Universe are always falling out and being replaced with dust and litter and bits of lint, which is here a metaphor for evil and bad works._

_Something with the evil and malice of the Deleters would be represented on the macaroni sculpture as a large chunk of the ear falling off and being replaced with an egg sac from a spider. The Deleters are indeed considered to be the most evil race of beings in the Universe, with the sole exception of the undead, although these aren't as much of a real species; so the Deleters, in the view of everyone, are number one on the big bad list._

_The database of the popular magazine What's New has an article about the Deleters._

_It says:_

_"Here is what to do if you want to dock your ship in a Deleter's hangar bay: don't even bother. By the time the night is out, the entire thing will be gone."_

_The entry ends there, on account of not being able to find anything bitter and heartless enough to say about the Deleters._

_Currently, the Deleters are scattered across several star systems, because their home planet has become polluted and spammed to smithereens. One of their living ships is lurking in the great body of cosmic dust called Charm Nebula. And, coming right within a hundred miles of its location very rapidly, is the Scorpion. Aboard this ship are Overseer 2, the leader of a spammer group; Drago Farrior, his right hand man; Haiakii, a scientist working for Overseer 2; Bob, a mercenary; and Sylia, the newest recruit, fresh out of university, and looking for a job._

_They have no idea what's in store for them._

Sylia sat in her chair, and watched the nebula rear up in front of them through the visiscreen. The thing was huge, and dazzling in its colors and shimmering depths.

"Charm Nebula," Overseer 2 said from beside her. He was leaning over Drago's shoulder, as the latter piloted the ship closer and closer to the nebula's edge. "The most totally evil place in creation, I'm told."

"You are indeed told," Drago said. "And you may be told right; however, even if it's evil, we need to go through it, and trust me, nothing bad's happened to me before."

"Famous last words." Overseer 2's serious look intensified. "We're approaching the nebula's arm. Everyone prepare for the static charge."

As the ship passed through, Sylia's hair began to feel itchy. She scratched it- and discovered it was standing up on her head, straight and stiff as a razor. Bob's buzz cut looked a little more formal than usual.

The static charge settled down a bit. Now they were in some sort of miasma of rainbow colors, although it could be said to be a rather faded rainbow. Even so, it was one of the prettiest things Sylia had ever seen.

Overseer 2 managed to shrug it off, however, as if the amazing fog were nothing more than the blue skies of Robloxia.

"We should be on our guard," he said.

No sooner had he said it than an eerie shape began to appear ahead.

It looked from the vast distance between it and Scorpion and through the mist like a jagged ball, swirling and flickering a little. Overseer 2 squinted.

"Looks like a planet or moon," he pointed out. "But there've never been any planets inside the nebula..."

"Maybe it's a drifter," Drago said.

As if the planet actually heard their conversation, it began to move, slowly at first, then gradually picking up speed, until finally it was hurtling towards them.

Sylia clutched the arms of the seat until her knuckles turned white. She couldn't believe what she was seeing: the entire planet was moving at lightning speed towards the ship!

"The hell are we gonna do?!," Bob screamed. "It's a motherbloxxin' planet come to tear the crap out of us!"

"First thing's first, keep calm," Overseer 2 ordered. "The planet thing doesn't look big enough to snare us with its gravitational pull, so at lease we won't crash." The entire ship, as the planet passed a mere mile underneath, lurched sickeningly. It was being pulled down towards the planet's surface.

"Maybe I'm wrong," Overseer 2 said. "I don't care. Take evasive action!"

"I'm trying to," Drago yelled. "The controls are jammed, and we're stuck in some sort of magnetic field!" He gestured at the controls, which were indeed showing on the magnetometer a 100% reading.

"Well then we're getting out," Overseer 2 said purposefully as the ground got nearer.

"All escape pods are disabled for some reason," Drago reported hopelessly. "Prob'ly the magnetic field doing something to the launch mechanism."

Then the ground came to meet them.

Or rather, it froze an inch from the viewscreen and started moving up. After a few minutes of confusion, a glowing blue rim appeared. The view was then taken over by a rippling blue surface, sparking occasionally. The surface disappeared; the ship was slowly pulled into the area uncovered by the lack of any blue surfaces.

The area in question was dark and dusty looking. Shadows of pipes and tubing loomed down from overhead. A few windows glowed a dull red from the far wall.

"That's some sorta hangar bay, if I ever saw one," Bob whispered.

Lights flooded down from the ceiling at that moment. The room was a hangar, but a thoroughly malevolent one, although no casual observer could say how, and even an uncasual observer would be flummoxed as to finding anything wrong with it visually; it was merely the aura of evil it gave off.

Suddenly a man stepped into the hangar. He grinned, and shouted something inaudible to another man, presumably in another area. Shortly afterwards there was a gaggle of armed men outside looking incredibly amused and laughing every once in a while.

The front of the ship was destroyed in a second. Men swarmed on, destroying the chairs that the crew was siting on. Sylia shut her eyes. Drago pulled out a gun, but a thud suggested that he'd been knocked out.

Overseer 2 raised his hands above his head, then tried to take a wild dive at the bulkier of the men, but the guy reached out with his free hand and sent him sprawling on the floor. He was breathing hard. The attacker grabbed Sylia and threw her into Bob and Haiakii. She screamed in pain, and blacked out...


	2. Chapter 2

"Mastur Sharkfinny, ish yu see what happenin?" asked the Deleter to his master.

The master looked out at the prisoners being carried into the brig of the ship. "Yush..." he said triumphantly. "Dere will be big plox for us nao... we can loot em an steel dere spamm kannon."

They left, snickering under their breaths.

OOO

Sylia tried to wriggle free of her captor, a huge muscle-bound guy with leathery palms and biceps like a couple of space shuttles. The captor held on tight however. Sylia was in a hell of a bad mood, because A) she had been thrown by this exact same guy as a weapon, and B) general bad feelings abounded.

The cell she was thrown into next was an uncomfortable one. The floor was cold and hard and perfectly smooth, apart from the grease stains at infrequent intervals. The rest of the crew were thrown in as well, landing hard on top of her. Scraped and bleeding, Sylia sat up from the pile of people.

"How in hell's name were we supposed to know that this was a ship?" Drago cried.

"I don't think we were," Overseer 2 replied. "However, there's still something I don't get... why did the planet snare us? The gravity on the inside can't be that massive. It's a tiny planet, for Baszucki's sake!"

There were footsteps.

"Quiet, I hear something," they all said in unison, and held their palms over their ears, making a sound funnel. What they heard froze their blood.

"...luk, dere's the cells. We interrogeragerate them first... then weh can steel teir stuffs, teir spamm cannon... den delete them. Like Master Sharkfinny sed."

"Deleters," Bob said.

"What a first day," Sylia moaned.

"What a last day," Drago moaned back.

Two white-armored soldiers inspected the other cells in their prison block. There were loud screams from some of the cells, then the sound of a hammer landing. The screaming stopped abruptly after these blows.

Overseer 2 turned to Drago.

"You know Judo, right?" he asked.

"I studied brickbattling," Drago replied, "but only as a hobby."

"Good enough," Overseer 2 said. "Wait 'till the guards come by. Then we'll knock them out and two of us will wear their armor. The rest will pretend to be prisoners."

"As long as I get to be the one with the weapon," Drago replied, and walked from his seated position to the cell bars. The guards had finished with the cell beside them. Sylia heard a gasp, then a gurgling sound, then the hammer blow, then silence except for their boots on the floors.

A guard appeared. Drago struck it across the head, and it collapsed. The next was smashed against the bars, which snapped. Now that the dirty bit was over, Drago broke the bars the rest of the way and stepped out.

"C'mon," he said. "Are we gonna do this or what?" He put on a helmet, then a breastplate, then the leggings, then the boots, and the metal, arm-length gloves. Overseer 2 did the same. Once the others had filed in between the masqueraders, they started to cautiously walk down the corridor, looking this way and that. Luckily, the Deleter prison bay had no security cameras.

The bay ended at a door, which was open. Beyond was a moderately sized room, with red walls, a ceiling with floodlights stuck in it, and a large hammer with a closed eye on it. The eye twitched a little in its presumed sleep. The hammer itself was mounted on a rotating pedestal.

"Security system," Drago whispered. "Don't make any sudden noises." They snuck past the hammer, and into the next corridor, which was another prison block. The cells were empty.

Then, as they entered the next room, they realized a certain fact: the room was full of Deleters. They screamed and panicked (at least the fake prisoners did; the others merely stood stiffly with their hands raised in salutes, playing their roles well). A deleter in darker armor than the rest swept forward.

"Trups," he ordered, "shuw indentification."

Overseer 2 passed his and Drago's stolen IDs to the Deleter, who scanned them with a little scanning device, then returned them with a grunt of satisfaction. "Why are der prisoners doon her?" he demanded.

"Supposed to bring 'em to the leader for inspection," Overseer 2 barked. "Can you take us to him?"

...

There was silence.

Not even the hum of the engines could disturb this silence, the silence of a dozen Deleters, three prisoners, and two masqueraders, realizing something vital: that this must be the leader in question. They hummed and hahed embarrasedly.

The leader leaned in closer to Overseer 2, then leaned in closer to Drago. He sniffed.

"As I expectorated," he sighed. He prized the helmet off Drago's head, revealing the baseball cap and the nervous face beneath. "Prisoner," the leader snarled.

"Uh, hi," Drago said. He was sweating.

"I am der ledder, Sharkfinny," the leader said. "Lord Sharkfinny der furrst, kang of der Deleaters!" He raised a hand before the Deleters behind him could cry "Hail Sharkfinny!". "You are liars," Sharkfinny hissed. "Durrtay uns... LEMONBUNIONS, tairk dem to der torture chamber fur sum funneh tings." He walked back through the crowd.

A Deleter with lemon-yellow armor grabbed the two fake troops and dragged them away. Sylia, Haiakii, and Bob looked in terror at Sharkfinny as the latter stood up on top of a raised dais and shouted, "DELEATION TO DER PRINSONERS!" The mob surged forward and carried Sylia and the rest up the corridor opposite the one that Lemonbunions and the other two had gone down.

Sharkfinny stayed behind, standing on the dais. He watched the two opposite corridors, and grinned. A fun day, he thought. A verreh fun day.

At the torture chamber, Drago was attempting to stall Lemonbunions by asking how all the different machinery worked; and there was certainly lots of it.

"What's this do?" he asked, motioning at a drill-like thing with a bulb of glistening mucus on the end.

"Pops yurr brans," Lemonbunions said. He strapped Overseer 2 down to a table. Overseer 2 mouthed "Keep going" at Drago.

"And this?" Drago asked again. He patted a large chainsaw on a robotic arm.

"Cuts yurr balls off."

"Ah." Drago thought of a machine to ask about next. He immediately settled on one that looked mildly interesting. "HEY, what's that?!" he asked, positively flailing at an Epic Duck in a cage attached to a pulley system and a rope, which was in turn attached to a robotic arm attached to a laser guided implosion missile about a foot long.

This actually made Lemonbunions pause for thought.

"Urrrrrrmmmmm," he said.

"Keep going," Drago urged. "Think. That one looks like it'll be fun to use on me."

"Urrrrrrmmmmm..."

"Come on."

Lemonbunions was at a complete loss. Drago sat back and gave a thumbs up to Overseer 2. Overseer 2 grinned like a maniac as the torturer's limbs began shaking with unaccustomed spasms of deep thought.

In the other room, down the other corridor, and far away from where Lemonbunions was having siezures in utter puzzlement, Sylia was being tied onto a sort of factory machine, along with Bob and Haiakii. The machine was being held by pulleys over a massive banhammer head, which had been electrically enhanced so it glowed red-hot with pure deletion energy.

The mob was shouting at them and throwing their fists menacingly.

Sharkfinny entered.

"Let der prisoniers drop slowly inteew der deffs!," he screamed.

The factory machine started, slowly, to descend.


	3. Chapter 3

_Far out, at the opposite edge of Charm Nebula, and shrouded by a massive asteroid field, sits the planet of Noobagon. Beautiful, lush, and full of the unstable and warring Noob species, who have claimed this planet as their homeland, the planet is also a frequent spot for Deleter attacks. So far, by the count of the official Noob Record Agency (or in Noobian, "NRAXDlololololol"), the planet has had over one billion, two hundred-eight million, seven hundred-twenty two thousand, three hundred fourty-two attacks over the course of its history._

_Thus, after the end of the last assault, the Noob battlefleet (or Qwerty by the Noobian dialect) got fed up with all this raiding and deleting and pillaging and such. They launched a space mission to the inside of Charm Nebula, where they had discovered completely by accident that the Deleter's closest ship patrolled._

_The Qwerty fleet is very close at this particular moment to the Deleter ship. They are just about armed to the teeth, and some of them also are armed with teeth just to put a little variety in. They've been on this mission for twenty years, and by God they are going to finish it._

OOO

Sylia screamed as the banhammer started to move towards her. Bob and Haiakii were yelling their heads off and struggling against their bonds. Sharkfinny was laughing maniacally from the control panel. The mob was cheering.

"Wack and leern how der prinsoners meet der end!," Sharkfinny shouted to the crowd. "WACK AND FEST ON DER SUFFORING!"

Unbeknownst to all, in the far distance, outside the window of the deletion chamber, and closing rapidly, there were about two dozen misshapen vessels, painted in bright rainbow colors.

Suddenly, the door to the room was blasted open. There stood Drago and Overser 2, in battle armor stolen from Deleter troops, and holding a large laser guided missile launcher, on which was mounted a robot arm, on which was attached a pulley system, on which was hanging a rope, on the end of which was an angry Epic Duck. They were grinning.

"Every bugger stand facing us and put your goddamn hands on your heads!," Drago shouted.

"Or," Overseer 2 bellowed, "we're gonna use this thing, whatever it's called, on you!"

The crowd didn't listen, but swarmed like one entity towards the two escapees. There was a flash, and a missile sprang from the device. At the same moment, the Epic Duck squawked. The missile hit, the warhead breaking open and allowing a flock of Epic Ducks to fly out and start to kill the Deleters, quite gruesomely.

In the sea of sudden blood, Overseer 2 slipped through the crowd, and up to the control area, raised about twenty blox in the air by Repulse-O-Lifting (TM) boosters. He grapped onto the cage of the Epic Duck, which gave a friendly quack, and busted open the cage door. The duck flew out, and Overseer 2 flipped onto its back. He rode that baby up to Sharkfinny's control platform... to find that the leader was gone.

"Where'd he go?" he shouted to Sylia and the others, closing the banhammer doors and releasing them from their computerized bondages.

"I don't know," Sylia shouted. But the answer came quickly as the Epic Duck was deleted, and Sharkfinny himself leaped down from the ceiling.

"DAI, BIOTCH!," he screamed at Sylia, throwing a deletion hammer at her. Sylia ducked, and the hammer sailed into the glass window and broke it.

It was at that moment that Qwerty attacked.

The ship shuddered. Sharkfinny leaped off the platform and drew another deletion hammer. Within seconds he had leaped on Sylia and was trying to delete her. However, to Sharkfinny and Sylia's obvious surprise, Sylia was able to dodge every blow. She gasped for breath as Sharkfinny's hand pressed down on her neck, and the Deleter Lord leaned in close and whispered, "Now me gonna straungel yer..."

Sharkfinny was about to crush Sylia's windpipe when Drago slammed into him from behind. The Deleter gave a little gasp, then fought back. He had the advantage; he dodged and weaved more effectively than Drago. Drago was hit some times on the jaw, and he showed signs of collapsing.

As Sharkfinny was about to strike the deathblow, right between Drago's eyes, with his hammer clutched in his non-punching hand, the Noobs poured in and shot him. Sharkfinny's last words were, "Funneh ol ting, lief," before he fell, dead. The Noobs surrounded Drago and helped him up. They didn't speak, but spammed medical equipment on him until Drago stood, looking fresh and not at all like he'd been punched in the jaw a half dozen times.

Sylia ran up to him and hugged him.

"Drago," she said, "wow, you saved me."

Drago was shocked. "Well, no problem," he managed to say.

Overseer 2, Bob, and Haiakii watched. All but Overseer 2 were quietly giggling.

Finally Overseer 2 felt he had to break the moment up. "Okay," he hollered. "We get it. But did you know that the ship is going to undergo gravitational collapse and become a black hole?" Everyone turned to him.

"Yeah, that's what I said," repeated Overseer 2. "Gra-vi-ta-tion-al col-lapse. Very common with massive things, that is." Everyone stared for a little while longer, then finally got the message and ran for it, back to the prison block.

Inside the prison block they found a door, blasted open by another Noob boarding party. Through the door they found the hangar they had been brought in through before (they knew this because their ship was still there, the front inexpertly repaired by some Noobs. It was bright, vivid, and rainbow-colored.

"No matter, no time," Overseer 2 ordered. "Get in!"

As Sylia, the last passenger, dashed aboard, he set it on the highest gear he could, strapped back, and literally broke out of the Deleter ship. Chunks of metal were flown everywhere. The nebula streaked past them.

At last they escaped the nebula. Everyone cheered.

Back in the nebula, things weren't going well for the Deleters who remained or for Qwerty, because Sharkfinny's ship was fast becoming a miniature black hole. The core, made up of incredibly massive elements, was undergoing collapse, as Overseer 2 had said.

Qwerty's ships tried to escape, but they slowly and inexorably drifted backwards. About halfway through the collapse they gave up and smashed suddenly into the Deleter ship, subsequently dispersing the massive matter into less massive matter, and blowing the hell out of everything within a ten mile radius.


End file.
